Daring to Suck...On My Terms

March 18, 2025

Well, it's Dare to Suck month again and I'm going to fully embrace it, to the best of my ability.

I have been planning IU's next open event, an updated Dare to Laugh...At Yourself! Failure Fiesta. I was having a really good time planning the event. There was some hesitation of course, but I really got into it. I felt free and open about it. I was having fun writing about spooky failure ghosts, playing with AI and the cute pictures it generated for the event invite for my little email list. 

I asked in a couple of communities I'm part of if anyone knew how to set up a system. I'm trying to ask for help more often :)  I didn't get too much help on the tech part. 

But I did get a response from the business coach in Heart of Business. He, very kindly, asked me to help him understand why I wanted to host the same event multiple times. He said he had some cautions against doing it unless the guidance I'm getting is strong.

My initial reaction was to get defensive. To feel like I had to justify my decision, justify myself. Explain myself. I sat with that for a moment, just noticing it. I have a hard time taking advice which is also part of why I have a hard time asking for help. It feels like I have to do what the other person says or I have to shut down and ignore them. Neither of which feels great.

I was able to respond to Mark's question from a more open, conscious space. To just tell him the reasons I wanted to host the event more than once this month. I wanted to get better and more comfortable hosting open events. I wanted more people to be able to join if they wanted to instead of just picking one time that works for me and hoping it works for whoever wants to come.

He responded he was worried that hosting it multiple times would disperse the energy instead of gather it. I appreciated that perspective and told him I'd percolate on it some more. 

And percolate I did :D  That good feeling I had earlier in the day? It disappeared. I went back down into the pit of despair a bit. Not terribly, but some. 

Some old stories came up. Why can't I just do what I want? Why do I have to do what I'm told, follow other people's advice? Can't I just be successful doing things the way that I want to? Does God/the Universe/whoever really want me to struggle this much? 

I sat with those feelings and more this morning. Picturing myself as a child wanting to play with other kids, my older sisters, but not being allowed to. I was too small, too dumb, too slow because I was younger. So little me went and sat by herself. 

After feeling a bit lonely and disappointed, she felt relief. She could just be herself. She didn't have to try to be smarter, faster, bigger. She could have a really good time, all by herself. She still occasionally looked at the group of other kids having fun and felt a pang of longing, but she was content by herself.

And big me came to a decision, in the spirit of daring to suck this month. I'm going to do things my way, as one of my theme songs from last year says. 

I'm going to keep things for the event invite the way they originally were. It might not work out. It might be a mess. But it will by MY mess.