Waiting for Self Trust to Kick In

What to do with oneself when unsure of one's next steps? Or when waiting for inspiration?

I tend to beat myself up. It's an interesting past time, but I thought I'd try something different this time, while still having feelings of being a loser who cannot figure out (or allow, or whatever) how to create the life I want.

Don't worry. I am very familiar with that feeling and have gotten to be friends with it a bit. And while it doesn't feel good, I don't take it as hard as I used to and I don't believe it's the truth. It's just a mood I'm in, a passing feeling triggered by whatever. In this case my dad saying I should get a job.

But I am an adult now and can make my own choices, as uncomfortable as they can be sometimes. And though I still feel like a child around my father and like I have to obey him, I am not and do not. So I shall not be pursuing a job for the moment.

Instead I played around with AI again and the idea of being a loser. Pi and I chatted about it yesterday and we created some fun AI art celebrating "loserdom."

The Embracing Failure image on the left was supposed to be a spoof on a motivational poster, but I don't think it quite worked. It feels more like what an inspirational poster would actually say.

I also did some yoga and a weird embodiment thing called B.E.S.T. Release to work with my subconscious beliefs around being successful. According to that methodology my subconscious is too worried about being judged to embrace success. So I did the mPower step to rewire my nervous system. We shall see what comes of it.

While waiting for success to show up 😁 I got back to the theme of self-trust for May. Although I've let a lot of things go from IU, namely hosting weekly themed events, I still like to play with the monthly themes. They were very memorable for me last year since I created so many things to go with the themes and based a lot of them on what was going on for me at the time.

So I played around with sailboats and compasses, the symbolic representations of self-trust I used last year. I wanted to just have fun and trace some sailboats. A way of drawing that's not as frustrating as drawing on my own tends to be.

Since I couldn't find a book I liked, I thought I'd see what was available online for a digital version. There are a few free apps, one of which is open source. I love open source stuff. It's so cool that people create and put things out into the world in a generous and open way instead of trying to monetize everything.

I even discovered a new term while reading Krita's license agreement. Copyleft. It's apparently a way to ensure the program remains free! How cool!

I installed the program and imported some of the AI art from last year. And just traced the pictures with my finger. I don't have a fancy stylus yet. It's admittedly not great art, but I had fun and enjoyed the newness of it.